Writing, Routine and Poor Grammar

June 3, 2020June 2, 2020 ~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

Is the art of letter writing dead? It certainly must be unique if we refer to it as an art, when once it was the only way to communicate. It takes time to craft a sentence that is moving. A phrase that has true meaning and depth. There’s something about putting a pencil to a piece of paper that connects you to a deeper sense of yourself and with your own thoughts.

In an age where we create things to be better, faster and more efficient all with the goal of saving time so we can have more time, it seems as though we have sacrificed something greater to get to where we are going. And where are we going? It just seems like we’re going faster than ever more consciousness of time but less consciousness of each memory in it.

As each day passes feeling more and more like a routine… Weeks pass, months pass, years pass. You look back and realize you lived every day of it, but were you a conscious player in the making of your own memories? Were you practicing mindfulness? Or were you just moving through each day to get to the next? We move through life so quickly because if it’s faster it’s better, so we can move on to the next best thing that’s even faster and better than the last. So I just put my pencil to my piece of paper and breath.

C.A. Sullivan

A Note For Anyone Who’s Struggling

May 26, 2020May 23, 2020 ~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

Let’s be real. We’re all human and we’re all trying our best to make through life without falling flat on our faces. Trying to be a good role model, trying to stay on top of the bills, and trying to be successful at work and whatever we have a passion for. But reality can often feel like a train wreck.

We are resilient creatures. We get beat down, stepped on, we fall apart and break down but we get back up again. Perseverance in the face of adversity, injustice and oppression is what makes us stronger. It’s what affects change. It allows us to continue to make ourselves and this world a better place.

You can only fail if you don’t try. Just because something doesn’t work out the way you planned, doesn’t mean that it’s not working out the way it should. It’s impossible to know what the future holds, so don’t get stuck in what is temporary. There will be a time when you will reap the befits of your perseverance, just keep going.

C.A. Sullivan

Feeling God

May 21, 2020May 17, 2020 ~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

I’m going to preface this post with…I wrote this awhile ago and feel a little differently about it. While I do believe in the afterlife and God, I also think that feelings of greater things to come and connection to the universe comes from just that….our connection with everything. In this fast paced world where we don’t have time to even think about what we are doing so that we can move on to the next thing, we lose the ability to feel connected with the universe, each other and God. It’s only when we stop, breath and listen that we can feel this connection. It’s so important because making that connection allows us to be who we are meant to be. The farther we get from it, the more unhappy and lost we become.

I always felt like I was born to do great things. That there was more to life than what I can see and comprehend. I wonder now if this is something I feel, not for this life, but for the life after death. There is something so great, so wonderful, that I can’t put my finger on it so it must be other worldly.

It is said that the spirit of God is in all of us, but that most of us can’t hear him because we aren’t listening. I finally listened. What I heard was that the feeling of there being more to life, is what exists in the after life. That feeling is the connection with God and that feeling stems from waiting to be with God.

C.A. Sullivan

Saying Goodbye

May 13, 2020May 17, 2020 ~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

My brother died 3 years ago in hospice care. I wrote this a few months ago because I had probably been holding it in that long. Grief is hard to deal with. You learn to live in a world without them but the loss is felt forever.

When I went to visit my brother in hospice I couldn’t stand near him because if I did I feared I would cry uncontrollably. His mother and sister in law were there and I had never met them more than once before. I don’t like crying in front of strangers. I don’t like being vulnerable in places I don’t feel safe.

So I held it all in and sat there next to my dad on the hospice couch, not even looking at Sean. He didn’t even look like himself. It broke my heart to sit there and not talk to him. But I couldn’t be vulnerable there.

Some time passed and it was time to go back to the hotel. I put my hand on Sean’s arm and said goodbye, I love u. He died 10 minutes later. My parents went back but I stayed at the hotel. I just couldn’t stand there with his dead body in a room with strangers.

I take comfort in knowing he waited for me to say goodbye before leaving us that day.

C.A. Sullivan

Unicorns

April 23, 2020May 3, 2020 ~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

I was sifting through my computer files looking for documents and other stuff I could delete and came across this gem. I had this idea last year to write a book out of the collections of thoughts, stories and journal entries I’ve written over the years. Okay, I had this idea multiple times over the course of the last 15 years but last year I decided it was going to be called Unicorn Tears: A Collection of Short Stories and Poems. I never forgot about it, I just keep writing and collecting my writings. But, I did forget about this forward I wrote for it. Enjoy.

You may have picked up this book thinking it was about Unicorns. Unfortunately, you are mistaken. In these pages lies the story of transformation. A metaphorical transformation from ordinary to magical, from girl to unicorn. You’ll find heart break, grief, anguish, self-hatred, anger, and struggle. All of the necessary ingredients for true transformation.

I’ve found something here, something in the pain and struggle. I can only describe it as becoming a Unicorn. If you have gone through transformation you may know what I mean.

C.A. Sullivan

Create For Yourself

April 20, 2020May 30, 2020 ~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

For whatever reason, it took me so many years to figure out that I didn’t have to create something for other people, I could simply do it for myself and if other people didn’t like it then it really doesn’t matter because I enjoyed creating it. Here I am, 34, and finally realizing this, like it was novel idea.

In a world where everyone is claiming to be real and posting about their every experience on social platforms, how do u find authenticity? How do you be authentic? The truth is, you shouldn’t have to try to be authentic. Chances are, if you’re trying to be authentic, you’re not. Or at least you’re not coming across that way.

But there is an answer to this. And I found it in the words of my favorite writer, Elizabeth Gilbert. Create for yourself. Whatever you create, be it a novel, a painting, a new invention…create it for nothing more than your own pleasure and everything else will fall into place. Stop over thinking it and stop trying to force it. Do what you love and what feels and comes natural to you. It’s in this spirit of freedom that we can truly become authentic. Anything else is simply not who we were meant to be.

– C.A. Sullivan

Trust the Process

April 16, 2020May 3, 2020 ~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

Another excerpt from my journal about “the process.” I remember writing this and just feeling really connected to everything in the universe. I can’t say I feel that way right now but I do know that I’m always trying to get back to that place.

I keep seeing, hearing, being told “trust the process.” To be honest I don’t know that I trust the process. Sometimes I want to scream at the universe and ask why it has such a shitty sense of humor. I can’t deny though that this week’s message from the universe has been to trust the process. Literally everyday I see it in a meme, hear it in a podcast, get told it from a friend. The universe is screaming this message at me.

2019 has been a serious struggle for me. I’ve been dealing with so many difficult things from family, career, pet, to my own internal battles. I thought 2019 was going to be my best year ever, my year of change and transformation! Well, I’m not sure it’s my best year ever but it certainly is a year of transformation.

I feel the pressure from my circumstances and then when I think I can’t take anymore, a new pressure hits. Some days I sit and ask myself is this shit real? How is all of this even happening?! Well, it’s happening, this shit is real, you are sitting in your shit and you are miserable. But you know what? That’s ok!

Sometimes we have to sit in this uncomfortable state to learn, grow, and transform. And that’s what I’m doing. By no means is it pretty. It’s a mess, it’s a struggle, it’s me huffing and puffing around and complaining. But I am changing. I am getting stronger. I’m finding ways to deal with things that are healthier than I ever have before.

I can’t say that I trust the process, I’d say I’m skeptical of the process, constantly asking it questions, wondering if it knows what it’s doing. But I have kind of a controlling personality so it makes sense that I would do that. Maybe that’s the point though, to let a little bit of control go so the process can do its thing.

– C.A. Sullivan

Messages from the Universe

April 14, 2020May 3, 2020 ~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

A writing from my journal about connection…

An advertising rep I met with today gave me this bracelet. After our meeting we were chatting and she took it off her wrist which was full of others like it and said, here my sister makes these and when things get overwhelming just remember to breath!

It was such a nice sentiment from a person I just met and so relevant to my life right now that I almost cried.

As human beings we often get caught up in ourselves and hyper focus on our problems that we forget to do the simplest things like stepping back for a minute and just taking a breath.

This woman, this stranger, saw me, heard me, and gave me a message. This is not just a message from her. This is a message from the universe letting me know I’m seen, I’m heard, I’m not alone, I am acknowledged.

It’s such an amazing experience to make that kind of connection especially with people you least expect and at a time when you least expect but at a time when it’s most needed.

The universe has big messages for us. We only need to listen.

– C.A. Sullivan

An Excerpt From My Journal

April 12, 2020May 30, 2020 ~ caitlin413 ~ 2 Comments

Hey Guys, welcome! The best way to introduce myself is to give you an excerpt from my journal from mid 2019. I had finally made some progress after years of struggling and choosing to stay stuck in a circle of unhappiness. Enjoy!

The beginning of 2019 was an absolute train wreck for me. I was dealing with my dying cat, trying to secretly find a new job, and hating myself for who I had become over the years.

I have experienced great loss in the last 8 years of my life. The passing of my long time boyfriend, the passing of my closest brother, the passing of my grandfather, the passing of both of my cats. (Good things happened too, but I’m trying to make a point, stay with me!) I spent a lot of time in the last 8 years milling around life like a lost puppy. Sad, grief stricken, guilty, angry, ashamed of the person I had become when I was once so happy go lucky, positive and optimistic. I wondered where that person went.

I absolutely hated myself and didn’t know how to change anything. In the last year I’ve done a lot of soul searching and thinking. It has not been pretty! Especially the beginning of last year in which I was an absolute mess struggling to rip away the ugly person I thought I had become to try to be better and do better.

I finally feel like I am making some progress. All of my hard work is finally paying off. It hasn’t been easy. Its taken blood, sweat, and tears and perseverance at times where I felt absolutely defeated, at times where I was grieving, at times where I just wanted to give up. I complained non-stop to my best friend and finance, I cried…a lot, I kicked a screamed (metaphorically speaking).

And after all of that, I have finally accomplished something. A door has opened and I walked in. This is not the end of my spiritual/personal/professional journey.

This is the beginning. It will be hard, there will be more work to do, but I have finally broken through.

– C.A. Sullivan

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