Saying Goodbye

My brother died 3 years ago in hospice care. I wrote this a few months ago because I had probably been holding it in that long. Grief is hard to deal with. You learn to live in a world without them but the loss is felt forever.

When I went to visit my brother in hospice I couldn’t stand near him because if I did I feared I would cry uncontrollably. His mother and sister in law were there and I had never met them more than once before. I don’t like crying in front of strangers. I don’t like being vulnerable in places I don’t feel safe.

So I held it all in and sat there next to my dad on the hospice couch, not even looking at Sean. He didn’t even look like himself. It broke my heart to sit there and not talk to him. But I couldn’t be vulnerable there.

Some time passed and it was time to go back to the hotel. I put my hand on Sean’s arm and said goodbye, I love u. He died 10 minutes later. My parents went back but I stayed at the hotel. I just couldn’t stand there with his dead body in a room with strangers.

I take comfort in knowing he waited for me to say goodbye before leaving us that day.

C.A. Sullivan