Lost and Found

Sometimes I get lost. Buried in my own anxiety and fear. But then when it clears, the girl I remember rises to the surface again. It’s like she was hiding from the parts of me that she doesn’t know. The parts that strip her of her freedom of self. But when she rises to the surface, she is beautiful, strong, confident and calm.

– C.A. Sullivan

Grateful at Christmastime and Always

During the hustle and bustle of Christmas time, we all go about buying presents and driving like psychos, hoping to get that great sale we saw, needing desperately to buy that expensive thing for that person we love, making sure we don’t leave anyone out of our gift giving, we trample pregnant women at Walmart and we rush rush rush. We all take so much for granted, forgetting what Christmas and the holidays are all about.

The thought of family and love and togetherness are with us for but a moment and then forgotten again with the new year. We go about living our lives with it’s day to day duties and many misfortunes and we forget what a gift we have been given. The gift of life and of family and of friends and most of all the gift of love, all types of love.

For without love the world would be a dark and lonely place. Love gives us hope for tomorrow and hope for the future. It makes the misfortunes we come across less of a burden to face. If we could only keep this thought of gratefulness with us all year round we might get a little more out of life, we might face our struggles with more ease, we might appreciate those around us who love us a little more, and we might see the world with new eyes.

It seems so unfair to live with such ungratefulness when there are those of us who were taken from life too soon. To live with graciousness and love even in the darkest of times is to honor those who won’t get the chance to live again. So at Christmas time, while I’m feeling the sting of sensitivity, I’m grateful for everyone in life, past and present.

It’s all of you, family and friends, that have shaped who I am, kept me strong, helped me while I was down, laughed with me when I was happy and made memories that will last a lifetime. It’s my new years resolution to try to keep this thought with me year round. How about you?

– C.A. Sullivan

Trust the Process

Book and Flowers

Another excerpt from my journal about “the process.” I remember writing this and just feeling really connected to everything in the universe. I can’t say I feel that way right now but I do know that I’m always trying to get back to that place.

I keep seeing, hearing, being told “trust the process.” To be honest I don’t know that I trust the process. Sometimes I want to scream at the universe and ask why it has such a shitty sense of humor. I can’t deny though that this week’s message from the universe has been to trust the process. Literally everyday I see it in a meme, hear it in a podcast, get told it from a friend. The universe is screaming this message at me.

2019 has been a serious struggle for me. I’ve been dealing with so many difficult things from family, career, pet, to my own internal battles. I thought 2019 was going to be my best year ever, my year of change and transformation! Well, I’m not sure it’s my best year ever but it certainly is a year of transformation.

I feel the pressure from my circumstances and then when I think I can’t take anymore, a new pressure hits. Some days I sit and ask myself is this shit real? How is all of this even happening?! Well, it’s happening, this shit is real, you are sitting in your shit and you are miserable. But you know what? That’s ok!

Sometimes we have to sit in this uncomfortable state to learn, grow, and transform. And that’s what I’m doing. By no means is it pretty. It’s a mess, it’s a struggle, it’s me huffing and puffing around and complaining. But I am changing. I am getting stronger. I’m finding ways to deal with things that are healthier than I ever have before.

I can’t say that I trust the process, I’d say I’m skeptical of the process, constantly asking it questions, wondering if it knows what it’s doing. But I have kind of a controlling personality so it makes sense that I would do that. Maybe that’s the point though, to let a little bit of control go so the process can do its thing.

– C.A. Sullivan