I don’t fit into a box. I have so many interests and loves, you can’t simply confine, all that is mine, between these four walls of time. I don’t fit any label. I have so many facets and sides, you can’t possibly see, all that is me, this I can guarantee. C.A. Sullivan
I struggle often with social media because I don’t know what to post. Who really cares about what I have to say? Do I even have anything to say? Of course I do. I just don’t do exciting things or go exciting places. I live a pretty ordinary life. That’s what others may think anyway, if they scroll through my feed only to see my cat and the thousands of food posts.
But the truth is, my life is not ordinary. None of these people know me. They don’t know I lost my longtime boyfriend, at the age of 25, to a brain aneurysm. They don’t know I was there to experience him dying in front of me. They don’t know I lost my cat to a long battle with cancer and my 42 year old brother to complications from a brain tumor. They don’t know how I’ve grown through caring for a step daughter, landed a great job after going on endless terrible job interviews and how I became the person I am today though years of experiences both joyful and heartbreaking.
No one’s life is ordinary. So what if you didn’t travel to 10 different countries this year and 1,000 people didn’t like your post about what you had for breakfast. Maybe you read a book to your children today, maybe you brought your parents groceries because they couldn’t do it themselves, maybe you forgave yourself today or someone else, maybe you put clothes on for the first time in weeks instead of PJ’s, or maybe you’re grieving and not ready to do anything. Whatever you did or didn’t do, don’t let comparing yourself to others’ lives make you feel like yours is less than spectacular. Don’t let the number of “likes” you get, determine your worth.
C.A. Sullivan
I wrote this excerpt in response to a writing prompt from a journal of mine. I find the prompts really helpful when I have no idea what to write but want to practice to improve my writing.
My inner voice is a feeling of connection so deep and so vast that it cannot be explained in words, it can only be felt. It is shaped by a deep connection with myself, the energy of my soul and the powers of the universe and God.
It’s my soul, the piece of me that is connected to the Earth, the universe, the higher power, God, Jesus, the part of me that is deeply intertwined with the webbing that connects us to everything. It’s the voice that’s buried in the constant noise and destruction of every day life.
I often feel as though my inner voice is drowning in someone who is only doing what they think they’re supposed to do, based on what they’ve been told to do is right, for a lifetime.
C.A. Sullivan
Hey Guys, welcome! The best way to introduce myself is to give you an excerpt from my journal from mid 2019. I had finally made some progress after years of struggling and choosing to stay stuck in a circle of unhappiness. Enjoy!
The beginning of 2019 was an absolute train wreck for me. I was dealing with my dying cat, trying to secretly find a new job, and hating myself for who I had become over the years.
I have experienced great loss in the last 8 years of my life. The passing of my long time boyfriend, the passing of my closest brother, the passing of my grandfather, the passing of both of my cats. (Good things happened too, but I’m trying to make a point, stay with me!) I spent a lot of time in the last 8 years milling around life like a lost puppy. Sad, grief stricken, guilty, angry, ashamed of the person I had become when I was once so happy go lucky, positive and optimistic. I wondered where that person went.
I absolutely hated myself and didn’t know how to change anything. In the last year I’ve done a lot of soul searching and thinking. It has not been pretty! Especially the beginning of last year in which I was an absolute mess struggling to rip away the ugly person I thought I had become to try to be better and do better.
I finally feel like I am making some progress. All of my hard work is finally paying off. It hasn’t been easy. Its taken blood, sweat, and tears and perseverance at times where I felt absolutely defeated, at times where I was grieving, at times where I just wanted to give up. I complained non-stop to my best friend and finance, I cried…a lot, I kicked a screamed (metaphorically speaking).
And after all of that, I have finally accomplished something. A door has opened and I walked in. This is not the end of my spiritual/personal/professional journey.
This is the beginning. It will be hard, there will be more work to do, but I have finally broken through.
– C.A. Sullivan
The Illuminated Page 