Author: caitlin413

Monsters

~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment 
I live with a monster,
that prays on my weakness,
it destroys my self-worth,
and leaves me with meekness.
I live with a monster,
that knows my mistakes,
it uses them like daggers,
and leaves me with heartache.
I live with a monster,
that carves away what’s left,
of any piece of worth,
that I mustered up and kept.
I live with a monster,
that poisons my mind,
it took the best parts of me,
and left the worst behind.
I live with a monster,
this can't you see,
I live with a monster,
this monster is me.

C.A. Sullivan

Unicorns

Unicorns
~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

I was sifting through my computer files looking for documents and other stuff I could delete and came across this gem. I had this idea last year to write a book out of the collections of thoughts, stories and journal entries I’ve written over the years. Okay, I had this idea multiple times over the course of the last 15 years but last year I decided it was going to be called Unicorn Tears: A Collection of Short Stories and Poems. I never forgot about it, I just keep writing and collecting my writings. But, I did forget about this forward I wrote for it. Enjoy.

You may have picked up this book thinking it was about Unicorns.  Unfortunately, you are mistaken. In these pages lies the story of transformation. A metaphorical transformation from ordinary to magical, from girl to unicorn. You’ll find heart break, grief, anguish, self-hatred, anger, and struggle. All of the necessary ingredients for true transformation.  

I’ve found something here, something in the pain and struggle. I can only describe it as becoming a Unicorn.  If you have gone through transformation you may know what I mean. 

C.A. Sullivan

Create For Yourself

Squirrel and Books
~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

For whatever reason, it took me so many years to figure out that I didn’t have to create something for other people, I could simply do it for myself and if other people didn’t like it then it really doesn’t matter because I enjoyed creating it. Here I am, 34, and finally realizing this, like it was novel idea.

In a world where everyone is claiming to be real and posting about their every experience on social platforms, how do u find authenticity? How do you be authentic? The truth is, you shouldn’t have to try to be authentic. Chances are, if you’re trying to be authentic, you’re not. Or at least you’re not coming across that way.

But there is an answer to this. And I found it in the words of my favorite writer, Elizabeth Gilbert. Create for yourself. Whatever you create, be it a novel, a painting, a new invention…create it for nothing more than your own pleasure and everything else will fall into place. Stop over thinking it and stop trying to force it. Do what you love and what feels and comes natural to you. It’s in this spirit of freedom that we can truly become authentic. Anything else is simply not who we were meant to be.

– C.A. Sullivan

A Dreamer’s Dream

Book with Cameo
~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment 
Under stormy skies,
she walked the mores for hours.
Alone, yet never feeling his absence.
The moon glowed behind the clouds,
calling to her in the night.
She crossed the rushing rivers bridge,
through the forest of darkness,
and into the realm,
where only dreamer's dream.
There she stayed,
to rest her head,
and slumber deep.
For the moon nor the spirit,
could reach her there.

– C.A. Sullivan

Trust the Process

Book and Flowers
~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

Another excerpt from my journal about “the process.” I remember writing this and just feeling really connected to everything in the universe. I can’t say I feel that way right now but I do know that I’m always trying to get back to that place.

I keep seeing, hearing, being told “trust the process.” To be honest I don’t know that I trust the process. Sometimes I want to scream at the universe and ask why it has such a shitty sense of humor. I can’t deny though that this week’s message from the universe has been to trust the process. Literally everyday I see it in a meme, hear it in a podcast, get told it from a friend. The universe is screaming this message at me.

2019 has been a serious struggle for me. I’ve been dealing with so many difficult things from family, career, pet, to my own internal battles. I thought 2019 was going to be my best year ever, my year of change and transformation! Well, I’m not sure it’s my best year ever but it certainly is a year of transformation.

I feel the pressure from my circumstances and then when I think I can’t take anymore, a new pressure hits. Some days I sit and ask myself is this shit real? How is all of this even happening?! Well, it’s happening, this shit is real, you are sitting in your shit and you are miserable. But you know what? That’s ok!

Sometimes we have to sit in this uncomfortable state to learn, grow, and transform. And that’s what I’m doing. By no means is it pretty. It’s a mess, it’s a struggle, it’s me huffing and puffing around and complaining. But I am changing. I am getting stronger. I’m finding ways to deal with things that are healthier than I ever have before.

I can’t say that I trust the process, I’d say I’m skeptical of the process, constantly asking it questions, wondering if it knows what it’s doing. But I have kind of a controlling personality so it makes sense that I would do that. Maybe that’s the point though, to let a little bit of control go so the process can do its thing.

– C.A. Sullivan

Messages from the Universe

Journal with Flowers
~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

A writing from my journal about connection…

An advertising rep I met with today gave me this bracelet. After our meeting we were chatting and she took it off her wrist which was full of others like it and said, here my sister makes these and when things get overwhelming just remember to breath!

It was such a nice sentiment from a person I just met and so relevant to my life right now that I almost cried.

As human beings we often get caught up in ourselves and hyper focus on our problems that we forget to do the simplest things like stepping back for a minute and just taking a breath.

This woman, this stranger, saw me, heard me, and gave me a message. This is not just a message from her. This is a message from the universe letting me know I’m seen, I’m heard, I’m not alone, I am acknowledged.

It’s such an amazing experience to make that kind of connection especially with people you least expect and at a time when you least expect but at a time when it’s most needed.

The universe has big messages for us. We only need to listen.

– C.A. Sullivan

An Excerpt From My Journal

Journal at Desk
~ caitlin413 ~ 2 Comments

Hey Guys, welcome! The best way to introduce myself is to give you an excerpt from my journal from mid 2019. I had finally made some progress after years of struggling and choosing to stay stuck in a circle of unhappiness. Enjoy!

The beginning of 2019 was an absolute train wreck for me. I was dealing with my dying cat, trying to secretly find a new job, and hating myself for who I had become over the years.

I have experienced great loss in the last 8 years of my life. The passing of my long time boyfriend, the passing of my closest brother, the passing of my grandfather, the passing of both of my cats. (Good things happened too, but I’m trying to make a point, stay with me!) I spent a lot of time in the last 8 years milling around life like a lost puppy. Sad, grief stricken, guilty, angry, ashamed of the person I had become when I was once so happy go lucky, positive and optimistic. I wondered where that person went.

I absolutely hated myself and didn’t know how to change anything. In the last year I’ve done a lot of soul searching and thinking. It has not been pretty! Especially the beginning of last year in which I was an absolute mess struggling to rip away the ugly person I thought I had become to try to be better and do better.

I finally feel like I am making some progress. All of my hard work is finally paying off. It hasn’t been easy. Its taken blood, sweat, and tears and perseverance at times where I felt absolutely defeated, at times where I was grieving, at times where I just wanted to give up. I complained non-stop to my best friend and finance, I cried…a lot, I kicked a screamed (metaphorically speaking).

And after all of that, I have finally accomplished something. A door has opened and I walked in. This is not the end of my spiritual/personal/professional journey.

This is the beginning. It will be hard, there will be more work to do, but I have finally broken through.

– C.A. Sullivan