Category: Blog

Saying Goodbye

~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

My brother died 3 years ago in hospice care. I wrote this a few months ago because I had probably been holding it in that long. Grief is hard to deal with. You learn to live in a world without them but the loss is felt forever.

When I went to visit my brother in hospice I couldn’t stand near him because if I did I feared I would cry uncontrollably. His mother and sister in law were there and I had never met them more than once before. I don’t like crying in front of strangers. I don’t like being vulnerable in places I don’t feel safe.

So I held it all in and sat there next to my dad on the hospice couch, not even looking at Sean. He didn’t even look like himself. It broke my heart to sit there and not talk to him. But I couldn’t be vulnerable there.

Some time passed and it was time to go back to the hotel. I put my hand on Sean’s arm and said goodbye, I love u. He died 10 minutes later. My parents went back but I stayed at the hotel. I just couldn’t stand there with his dead body in a room with strangers.

I take comfort in knowing he waited for me to say goodbye before leaving us that day.

C.A. Sullivan

Kingdom of Fire

~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

Most of the time I write these short excerpts from stories I’ve imagined. It’s like puzzle pieces in my mind that I have to put together. They’re never in order, they never come all at once and sometimes the other pieces are never found. I hope I can use this blog as a place to store the pieces in hopes that one day I’ll be able to put them all together.

Fire surged around her. Lighting struck like bombs destroying everything. She knelt on the ground holding her love as his body turned to ashes. The wind whipped violently past and grabbed what was left of him up and away from her forever. She knelt there staring at her empty arms as the pillars of the last kingdom fell around her.

She stood, reached for her sword and walked into the fire with a rage in her heart so fierce, nothing could stop her.

Years after the war…

The humans are gone. When the demons rose up from the underworld during the apocalypse they slaughtered every last one of them. The Creator sent the angels down from the great kingdom to fight the demons and protect the humans, but they were defeated. Now, all that remained was a blackened world full of vile creatures. With deep feelings of loss and devastation, the last of the angels, called the Band, and the Creator retreated back to the great kingdom.

Adeara

Adeara's Secretary Desk
~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

I was an amateur writer who wrote short stories and essays for magazines that no one knew existed. I was 21, ambitious, and naive. That is until my sire, Cornelius, found me. I stayed late that night at the tiny bookstore I worked at. It was more like a hole in the wall actually, among other holes in the wall, along a small practically abandoned side street. I’m surprised anyone even found the place.

I was writing another trés boring essay when he appeared. He was tall, mysterious, gorgeous, and pale. Shit was he pale. I wanted to ask him if he needed to take a seat for a while or offer to take him to the nearest tanning salon. But I didn’t, I couldn’t. I felt so in awe of him all I could do was listen to his beautiful voice as he offered me his preposition.

He told me he’d been watching me for weeks. Apparently, I was at first going to be a midnight snack but he became intrigued with me, with my beauty and he wanted me to join him, his kind. So instead of becoming dinner I chose immortality. What the hell, I was ballsy and his life sounded more fascinating than mine. Life truly did get fascinating after that night, or should I say afterlife. I had so many new, different, erotic experiences. I had to write them down. So that’s exactly what I did.

My experiences went from pages scattered on a desk to print in local magazines to novels on the best selling shelves of huge chain bookstores. Mortals loved my books. My fellow vamps and elders though, well, they looked down on them. They constantly tell me that I should be more discrete. I’m putting the whole race in danger by revealing secrets in my work. I tell them Mortals are ignorant. They think it’s fictional, like every other piece of trash they pick up and read. They insist someone will discover us through my books. Yet they continue to let me publish them.

But any threat made to us, any hint of discovery, and it’s my head. That’s what they tell me anyway. I’m not scared.

C.A. Sullivan

Inner Voice

Book and Jewelry Box
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I wrote this excerpt in response to a writing prompt from a journal of mine. I find the prompts really helpful when I have no idea what to write but want to practice to improve my writing.

My inner voice is a feeling of connection so deep and so vast that it cannot be explained in words, it can only be felt. It is shaped by a deep connection with myself, the energy of my soul and the powers of the universe and God.

It’s my soul, the piece of me that is connected to the Earth, the universe, the higher power, God, Jesus, the part of me that is deeply intertwined with the webbing that connects us to everything. It’s the voice that’s buried in the constant noise and destruction of every day life.

I often feel as though my inner voice is drowning in someone who is only doing what they think they’re supposed to do, based on what they’ve been told to do is right, for a lifetime.

C.A. Sullivan

Unicorns

Unicorns
~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

I was sifting through my computer files looking for documents and other stuff I could delete and came across this gem. I had this idea last year to write a book out of the collections of thoughts, stories and journal entries I’ve written over the years. Okay, I had this idea multiple times over the course of the last 15 years but last year I decided it was going to be called Unicorn Tears: A Collection of Short Stories and Poems. I never forgot about it, I just keep writing and collecting my writings. But, I did forget about this forward I wrote for it. Enjoy.

You may have picked up this book thinking it was about Unicorns.  Unfortunately, you are mistaken. In these pages lies the story of transformation. A metaphorical transformation from ordinary to magical, from girl to unicorn. You’ll find heart break, grief, anguish, self-hatred, anger, and struggle. All of the necessary ingredients for true transformation.  

I’ve found something here, something in the pain and struggle. I can only describe it as becoming a Unicorn.  If you have gone through transformation you may know what I mean. 

C.A. Sullivan

Create For Yourself

Squirrel and Books
~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

For whatever reason, it took me so many years to figure out that I didn’t have to create something for other people, I could simply do it for myself and if other people didn’t like it then it really doesn’t matter because I enjoyed creating it. Here I am, 34, and finally realizing this, like it was novel idea.

In a world where everyone is claiming to be real and posting about their every experience on social platforms, how do u find authenticity? How do you be authentic? The truth is, you shouldn’t have to try to be authentic. Chances are, if you’re trying to be authentic, you’re not. Or at least you’re not coming across that way.

But there is an answer to this. And I found it in the words of my favorite writer, Elizabeth Gilbert. Create for yourself. Whatever you create, be it a novel, a painting, a new invention…create it for nothing more than your own pleasure and everything else will fall into place. Stop over thinking it and stop trying to force it. Do what you love and what feels and comes natural to you. It’s in this spirit of freedom that we can truly become authentic. Anything else is simply not who we were meant to be.

– C.A. Sullivan

Trust the Process

Book and Flowers
~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

Another excerpt from my journal about “the process.” I remember writing this and just feeling really connected to everything in the universe. I can’t say I feel that way right now but I do know that I’m always trying to get back to that place.

I keep seeing, hearing, being told “trust the process.” To be honest I don’t know that I trust the process. Sometimes I want to scream at the universe and ask why it has such a shitty sense of humor. I can’t deny though that this week’s message from the universe has been to trust the process. Literally everyday I see it in a meme, hear it in a podcast, get told it from a friend. The universe is screaming this message at me.

2019 has been a serious struggle for me. I’ve been dealing with so many difficult things from family, career, pet, to my own internal battles. I thought 2019 was going to be my best year ever, my year of change and transformation! Well, I’m not sure it’s my best year ever but it certainly is a year of transformation.

I feel the pressure from my circumstances and then when I think I can’t take anymore, a new pressure hits. Some days I sit and ask myself is this shit real? How is all of this even happening?! Well, it’s happening, this shit is real, you are sitting in your shit and you are miserable. But you know what? That’s ok!

Sometimes we have to sit in this uncomfortable state to learn, grow, and transform. And that’s what I’m doing. By no means is it pretty. It’s a mess, it’s a struggle, it’s me huffing and puffing around and complaining. But I am changing. I am getting stronger. I’m finding ways to deal with things that are healthier than I ever have before.

I can’t say that I trust the process, I’d say I’m skeptical of the process, constantly asking it questions, wondering if it knows what it’s doing. But I have kind of a controlling personality so it makes sense that I would do that. Maybe that’s the point though, to let a little bit of control go so the process can do its thing.

– C.A. Sullivan

Messages from the Universe

Journal with Flowers
~ caitlin413 ~ Leave a comment

A writing from my journal about connection…

An advertising rep I met with today gave me this bracelet. After our meeting we were chatting and she took it off her wrist which was full of others like it and said, here my sister makes these and when things get overwhelming just remember to breath!

It was such a nice sentiment from a person I just met and so relevant to my life right now that I almost cried.

As human beings we often get caught up in ourselves and hyper focus on our problems that we forget to do the simplest things like stepping back for a minute and just taking a breath.

This woman, this stranger, saw me, heard me, and gave me a message. This is not just a message from her. This is a message from the universe letting me know I’m seen, I’m heard, I’m not alone, I am acknowledged.

It’s such an amazing experience to make that kind of connection especially with people you least expect and at a time when you least expect but at a time when it’s most needed.

The universe has big messages for us. We only need to listen.

– C.A. Sullivan

An Excerpt From My Journal

Journal at Desk
~ caitlin413 ~ 2 Comments

Hey Guys, welcome! The best way to introduce myself is to give you an excerpt from my journal from mid 2019. I had finally made some progress after years of struggling and choosing to stay stuck in a circle of unhappiness. Enjoy!

The beginning of 2019 was an absolute train wreck for me. I was dealing with my dying cat, trying to secretly find a new job, and hating myself for who I had become over the years.

I have experienced great loss in the last 8 years of my life. The passing of my long time boyfriend, the passing of my closest brother, the passing of my grandfather, the passing of both of my cats. (Good things happened too, but I’m trying to make a point, stay with me!) I spent a lot of time in the last 8 years milling around life like a lost puppy. Sad, grief stricken, guilty, angry, ashamed of the person I had become when I was once so happy go lucky, positive and optimistic. I wondered where that person went.

I absolutely hated myself and didn’t know how to change anything. In the last year I’ve done a lot of soul searching and thinking. It has not been pretty! Especially the beginning of last year in which I was an absolute mess struggling to rip away the ugly person I thought I had become to try to be better and do better.

I finally feel like I am making some progress. All of my hard work is finally paying off. It hasn’t been easy. Its taken blood, sweat, and tears and perseverance at times where I felt absolutely defeated, at times where I was grieving, at times where I just wanted to give up. I complained non-stop to my best friend and finance, I cried…a lot, I kicked a screamed (metaphorically speaking).

And after all of that, I have finally accomplished something. A door has opened and I walked in. This is not the end of my spiritual/personal/professional journey.

This is the beginning. It will be hard, there will be more work to do, but I have finally broken through.

– C.A. Sullivan